May 2009
2 posts
Wooly jumper
What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo with a sheep?
It is unlikely ay offspring of these animals would ever carry to term, though if one did you’d basically have written yourself a blank cheque with what you could make exhibiting it at County fairs.
April 2009
14 posts
Funny tasting
Two cannibals are eating a clown…
One says to the other ‘Oh, your mother called. I think she’s still upset since she found out you were a Cannibal. She wants to try and make amends though, so she invited us to the Circus on Saturday, but I though it best we don’t go back - so we’re having tea at The Dorchester’
Decisions, decisions...
I used to be indecisive…
But now I’m not.
Arctic droll
Why don’t polar bears eat penuins?
Because the animals inhabit different parts of the world meaning they would never ordinarily meet in the wild. With some human interaction however, it might be possible for a polar bear to escape from a zoo in say, Argentina, and rampage down the coast and gorge on a colony of the flightless birds.
Animal crackers
What do four elephants play in a mini?
Realistically, you’d never even be able to get one elephant in a mini, let alone 4, so the question is quite ridiculous.
Family matters
Take my mother-in-law
…for example, she’s lovely - not the stereotype one comes to expect at all.
Time Lord
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Dr
Dr Who?
No, Dr Kildare
Really?!
No, it actually is Dr Who! You won a BBC competition to receive a visit from David Tennant, please let us in as his time is quite tight.
Holiday in the sun...
My wife’s gone to the West Indies!
Barbados?
No, St Kitts and Nevis
March 2009
14 posts
Medical mysteries
PATIENT: Doctor Doctor, I think I’m a dog!
PSYCHIATRIST: Jump up on the couch then…
Ok
Read all about it...
What’s black and white and red all over?
Nothing, it’s a physical impossibility for something to both maintain the property of being entirely red coloured while also claiming to be other colours (e.g. black and/or white).
Olympian effort
Are you a pole vaulter?
Yes! Is that an assumption based on my Ukrainian athletics tracksuit and muscular upper body, or are you a keen fan of the sport?
Weasel time
What’s the difference between a stoat and a weasel?
Both are members of the family Mustelidae and, as such, share many similarties the stoat being known as the short-tailed weasel in North America. Indeed, both animals are very similar, their differences amounting to those between an Apple Mac, and a PC.
Don't be nervous...
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
In a shallow, but cold ocean, an injured diver might shiver for a bit before they succumb to death by drowning
Dino time!
What do you call a dinosaur with on eye?
Injured
Geek...
There are 10 types of people in the world…
…those who know binary because they devised it, those who know what binary is and use it on a regular basis, those who get binary and could work out a string of code if given to them, those who are bit too keen on binary and own a binary watch, those who are vaguely aware of what binary is but not much more, those who once read about binary...
February 2009
28 posts
Practice makes perfect...
What’s the best way to Carnegie Hall?
Depends where you’re starting from. Either plan in advance with a map, or, ask a policeman or other sensible citizen once in the area.
Out of this world...
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
If you see a spaceman in a museum or on TV, just enjoy the educational entertainment. If however you find yourself at a launch site - or worse, in space - get out of there as soon as possible and maintain a safe distance.
Time for tea?
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Potentially time in prison, but at least a slap on the wrists for being a very silly boy. It is also unlikely you’ll be allowed to own a pet for a minimum of 5 years.
Seafood japes
Why did the lobster blush?
Because he farted, and farting is - even in the lobster world - considered embarrassing, despite the fact it’s a perfectly natural thing to do.
Outta space
What’s ET short for?
Extra Terrestrial, as shown by the full title of the 1982 film ‘ET: The Extra Terrestrial’
Reggae pastries...
How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Contrary to popular belief, Bob Marley did not in fact like doughnuts at all. Indeed, in one famous incident after a concert in New York, a whole tray of doughnuts was left untouched in his dressing room with a bowl of bombay mix sufficing as an after show snack.
A question about a pachyderm...
Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
They don’t, you appear to be misinformed.
Cooking gags...
How do you make an apple turnover?
Ingredients 55g/2oz soft brown sugar 25g/1oz butter 1 apple, cored, halved, thinly sliced 25g/1oz raisins ½ tsp ground cinnamon 4 sheets ready-made filo pastry 1 free-range egg, beaten To serve 1 tbsp icing sugar ready-made custard
Method 1. Preheat the oven to 220C/425F/Gas 7. 2. Place the sugar and butter in a frying pan and melt together over a medium...
What do you call...
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Depends what his name is. If it’s Andrew, call him Andrew. Simple. If you don’t already know his name, ask him and offer to help fend off the seagull.
Someone's at the door...
Visitor: Knock, Knock
Homeowner: Who’s there?
Visitor: It’s Dave
Homeowner: Dave?
Visitor: Your brother, you tit!
Homeowner: Oh Dave, come in! The door’s on the latch… I’m just completing a match stick model of The Golden Hind.